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[Takumi-no-Kitsune]

Greetings to those that have remained here over the past few years.

I have pondered many times whether to return to this place or not. I left a long while ago to persue my own interests and goals, in order to achieve what I hoped would have been finding myself and my destiny. I had accomplished much in my youth, and took great pride in what I believed myself to be and what I am. Most of you probably do not remember me at all, and in any case, I am completely fine with that. I was once the member Kyuubi Kitsune, a troubled fox that was trapped with a darkness created by a vile hatred of himself that could not break free of struggle.

After I left these forums, I found the answers I quested for. I spent many days meditating to myself, studying, and forcing myself to remember the past of this world. I accomplished things that made me proud, proud of my heritage and what I was. My name. My life. Everything. I had a good brother and a good sister. I had good friends. I had a family.

From there I became strong. I was capable of doing things I couldn't have imagined, even as simple as they were. Yes, reading auras and having dreams and visions of the future were simple things, but they were amusing, and granted me great leverage in my soul. I was able. That continued for a few years, and I became stronger and remembered more. But, that life was short lived. Soon after, my "brother" ran away, discouraged by his own fears. My "sister"...she fell into deep turmoil due to mental skewing caused by an unknown person. I attempted to fix everything, but in doing so I failed, and my bonds became weakened. My strengths failed me, my mind cracked, and my soul withered. A once burning flame fizzled out, and wallowed back into the shadows of eternity.
I found happiness at one point, last year, falling in love with a beautiful young woman that became seduced by my mysterious nature. I called, and still call her Hoshiko. It is a nickname that I took from her story writing in which she plays the part of an original Bleach Character…but the name suites her, so I started calling her that. It was a deep love, but the story behind it was full of torture as I was played and turned on. She, at one point, began to neglect me as I devoted my soul and entity to her…at one point nearly cheating on me with a friend of hers. However, I forgave because I was too kind with my nature. The summer of that year, she broke up with me for some reason…which destroyed me because we had fixed most of everything. A week later, she begged me to take her back, in which I did, but with many many changes to our relationship (which has worked so far). However, I was never the same fox after that. What remained of my soul became tattered and broken. I was different, and many people…including my friends, cannot ignore that change.
I suffered for a long time. I still to this day beat myself up on failures and actions I have done my entire life, especially those that happened before I became a   “good natured person.” My powers have faded, if I should even call them powers. I exist as even more of a shadow of my former self than I was years ago.  Even Inari has seemed to  give up on me, for she no longer answers my prayers and offers.

In any case…I return here as an observer. I do not know whether I will post or not. I just wish to get in touch with that of which I have seemed to lose.
My name is Takumi. Feel free to refer to me as that. It is the name I preferred to be called by. Please forgive me for my dramatic entrance, but I am struggling a great deal inside these days.
I wish to be free of my shadow, and to live again in the warmth of Inari. In the responsibilities of a guardian, I am not permitted to fail, even if it is my place to suffer. 



Please.






Help me. 

[Kira]

 
Years...
Has it really been that long already?
 
Yeah, these last weeks, they were hard on me too, like the universe is trying to face me with all its might.
 
But... that is strange.
It seems like fate is fighting back on my behalf, and so al ot of good and bad things happened to me recently.
 
Well, by my name as Wave, maybe I should just take it as cruel irony and sort of get along with it.
 
As for you, I believe no one will trun you down.
Your old name rings distantly familiar in my ears, and I know that I must have met you before, having been in this place since the very beginning.
 
So yeah, welcome back here.
*hugs*

[Takumi-no-Kitsune]

Yes, years. I cannot remember...perhaps five or six? More? Since I have been here.

I remember your name, Kira. However, we did not talk much. Regardless, I didn't talk much at all back when I first joined.

Thank you for the welcome back. 

[Hakuzo NightFox]

Welcome back again. Everyone one of our kin goes though a bad time it seems. We all need to stick together and help eachother in time of need.

[Takumi-no-Kitsune]

Thank you.

It is without regard, that in a modern world, it is tough being something that is not "human" by soul or spirit.

I found it hard to stay here at one point because of the harsh feelings of distrust that formed. That seems to have left, however.

[Terran-Strigidae]

As much as you try, some of these things could not have been prevented. Many people say that to achieve enlightenment and a higher state of being, one has to experience great tragedies. It helps people to understand what is really important.

It sounds like your journey is a strongly winding path. There is an opportunity for you to come out of this a great soul.

With hope, your return here can bring your great flame and pride back to the fore-front

[Takumi-no-Kitsune]

Thank you. Those words mean a lot to me, really.



It is a very strongly winding path. Throughout history it has been. However, I find myself thinking how much happier I was in the past of this world rather than the present day times.

Perhaps it was because I did not suffer as much back then. I dunno. Suffering is a fate I was destined to hold, and yet as I accept that fate I cannot help but find it tormenting to the very chains that hold my soul together. Is it perhaps that I have taken more than my share of pain throughout time, or is it that I am not capable of performing my job in this life? That coupled with the demands of this modern world, sometimes I cannot comprehend.

I remember those nights when Inari would speak to me in my dreams when I was very young in this life. I never understood it at first, but when my dreams and visions fell into place and I remembered the past I had and the name I took, I was overjoyed. Even once I could feel and manipulate my tails again. Now I have become so distraunt I cannot control a simple mechanism of my former self. I do not dream anymore, as well. Ocassionally, a nightmare or two (I've always had issues with nightmares. Especially Deja Vu' in the sense of re-experiencing and seeing what is to come), but never a...a good dream anymore, that's how I will word it. In fact, in the land around me, the spirits themselves are no longer as clear, as if they too have become like myself. I used to be so in touch with the land. Why have I so deconstructed myself after building myself up to good enough standards?

Sometimes I long for the day when I served in the army under Meiji. At least back then I was useful. At least back then I could protect people.

What I would give to be able to visit a shrine somewhere...anywhere. I wish to purify myself from my darkness.

*sighs*

[tsukos]

I don't know what your beliefs are, and I don't want to sound forceful or insulting...

But...

If your path is unclear, perhaps you should force your way off of it and blaze a new trail. Hazy and nightmarish paths of darkness are one thing... but it can be wonderful to discover something entirely new.

To get back to the right path... sometimes, we have to abandon the roads we know and see before us and trust that we're simply moving in the right direction.

But again, I don't know your path. I'm pretty ignorant... this is just the answer my own experiences have led me to.

If your bond with the land is broken, forge one with the sky. If your path seems wrong, cut yourself a new one.

My words are perhaps not the words of a wise fox, indeed I once again posit they are the words of an insufferable fool... but it is your choice what to do with these words I have written.

[Takumi-no-Kitsune]

I do not have a path to blaze onto. Life has become to preoccupied with everything else to allow me the freedom of following a new path. I have not been given a day to relax and rest myself from my anxieties and stress. Even my birth family is full of chaos, because I cannot say anything to them with the slightest intelligence without insulting or pissing somebody off because they don't want to hear my opinion on things. Not to mention, I am in college now, an art major, so I'm preoccupied with college as well. Too much going on that is stopping me from refinding myself.

As for forging any other bonds, the sky does not answer me. Nor does the ocean. Nothing answers me anymore.

Ah, my beliefs? Well, I prefer not to talk about them much because I was scorned at one point because trust levels were low, so... I am Takumi, a kitsune that exists somehow. I follow Inari, but I really don't...I guess I don't have enough pride to talk about my beliefs anymore.

*sighs*

Your words are friendly and kind, and that is wise in itself. I thank you for them.

[tsukos]

Hm. Such an odd reflection of my own beliefs...

I am Tsukos. A kitsune who exists because I could not bear to not exist. I do not follow Inari... but I really do.

That is a contradiction I know. If you would like to take the discussion to Private Messages, that's fine. But I really do want to hear what you believe. After all, if we're not open to the way other people think, then we can't grow ourselves.

[StormFox]

Well, do not forget we kitsune are a species of contradiction. It's what we are.

And yes, an easy, lucky life seems not to be ours. On the other hand, would you want to be unknowing and human knowing what you have found?

Freedom gets limited by the path that humans think is best for you, or best for themselves. Do not  follow a path that is not your own, or at least differentiate enough that it feels like your own, and one that you can be content with.

I often find myself being unable to be feeling content with the path I am on, trying something different is the only way you can be. Don't ever regret a path you've chosen yourself though, it may not be the result you were after, but it'll have brought you new knowledge. Knowledge of how not to do is knowledge too.

[Takumi-no-Kitsune]

Thank you.

All of these words so far make me feel much better.

Maybe I'll regain myself. I dunno.

I just need to sit and watch.


Had another fight tonight. The only time I can feel myself now is when I am angry, and it is not a good way to feel.

[Terran-Strigidae]

The supernatural is a funny thing. The more you practice it, the more powerful you can become with it. But as you stop practicing and leave it, you can lose a lot of those abilities and tendencies. They have to be regained with practice. Although it is easier, already having the knowledge.

Maybe begin again with meditations, and build up your focus. Keep your eye out. Look for little signs of hope or things that make you smile. Look for things that are red. Little hints that are thrown at you to suggest that Inari is still there for you, and still watching over you.

As otherkin, we think differently from the rest of the world. Sometimes it is hard to be tolerant of the human way. Especially when they push so abrasively against our methods. There are two different ways that we can utilize this. Either we dig our feet in and fight against the current, or we go with the flow. Going where life takes us, or struggling against all that is thrown at us.

Easier said than done. Maybe one of these principles can be helpful in some way.

[Takumi-no-Kitsune]

I know what to look for. I've been through that path before. But perhaps it is wise to start at the beginning of that path again.

I unfortunately, cannot find the faith within myself to pull me back into what I once was.

I have alot of work ahead of me. 

[Kira]

 
Inari... heh.
 
The one I believe in is the loving godess of foxes, which I choose to call Inari, simply for not knowing better.
But really, I also know it's not the one that millions of Japanese pray to every day.
 
So it's simply yours truly vulpine diety that I follow. No matter what its name is.
 
And yeah, holding on to your veleives in a human world can be tough. The best thing you can do is not to reveal them at all, seeing as how humans like to "discuss" as they say it, but actually meaning "argue and win". And if they can't win that argument, they end up being upset, maybe even calling you "stupid", "naive", "ignorant", "retarded" or whatever.
 
Better to hint at such things carefully, and let people only see what you want them to see.
If you figure out somone is just going to try and tear your believes apart... lie to them.
 
Lying is disrespectful in my eyes.
It means not taking the time to find a way to say the truth in a way that still achieves your goal.
But there are people who deserve no better, and so to people who I truly and deeply disrespect... I lie.
 
You can lie to the entire world if you stay true to yourself, of course that doesn't mean you have to.
But staying true to ones self, doing things like critically evaluating one's own vulpnity from time to time, or recalulating the odds of anything wonderful ever rally happening, and *then* still choosing to believe in spite of all... that can give you real strength of heart.
 
I believe... because there are things I don't understand.
And... because there are things that I don't want to be true.

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