Came because of recent developments

Quote from: "George Fafnir"

Hi... Um...

Guest forum... I want to ask a few questions of people if I may...
Or, more like statements and then questions.

Before I start... I want to say that I believe I'm a dragon... have for three consecutive years, or seven to eight... depending...
Recently though as in the past month some... weird thing happened while doing something with a friend. I'll say it was only RPing to start... but... quite honestly after a few days I started getting the one feeling similar to when I realized I was a dragon in my head, and after a few events like "making up" this character... I read on kitsune on different pages like Wikipedia and then another that listed traits, and... it all seemed to click with me.

(Actually... if you could do remote viewing I do want opinions of that... because I know there isn't anyone near me I've met that has an ability to see someone spiritually... and... I have a hard time trying to determine who I am... so like... if indeed someone did that... is there a way to tell me something about either me or the surrounding location?)

See... back in middle school, there was a dream I had. Details on that is I dreamed that I was human, and running down blue halls from a darkness...
Each hall ended at a sliding door that would open, and... it opened to a room of three other doors, one per wall, and... I would just pick one at random and keep going.
And... all the while I was changing... into a dragon. Same size though... just about I guess.
After many halls, and nearly a dragon, I found one that had a chute in the wall... so... I took this option to escape.

I ended up going down the chute, and fully as a dragon I land at the bottom in a room of neon pillows. This one other person... female human in a white flowing dress with fair build stands up. I honestly had the feeling that I had failed or something...
She came over... and she firmly took my chin in her hand to face me up at her... as I was on the ground trying to look away...
She looked me in the eye... inches from my face, and said "don't be afraid".
I woke up...

Time had passed from then... I would get some odd thoughts and things... I know in middle school I was far interested in just being in the back of the school before class started... and I loved it when it was foggy, or cloudy... especially raining.
One day though... I recall that I was going along my business when... well, suddenly the thought came to mind... I believed I was a dragon.
I didn't think spiritually or inside or anything like that... just... "my god... I'm a dragon..."
Either that same day, or the next... I dismissed it because it scared me badly. I didn't want that... the belief made me afraid for myself.

For about four years... there was a period of emptiness. I tried to push the thoughts away, avoid looking at books or pictures of dragons... and attempted to forget that dream every time I thought of it. Perhaps it didn't help that the class I had made the home room "the dragons", and that later for high school I nearly ended up at a school whose mascot was a dragon... and ultimately at another high school in my final year... after an art assignment for fantasy that I made the dragon in my dream, and then in English I had a scrapbook assignment and I would make poems that at the end I put a dragon in there, and then writing a paper trying to figure myself out... dragons get mentioned... and then hearing my friend mention reincarnation... I just... didn't snap, but more like caved.
I asked my friend about reincarnation and dragons... really expecting the worst. Around this time I was getting phantom wings... a feeling of where they would be at on my shoulders.
Well, she looked at me... and... she said an answer for that would have to come from years of thought... I almost cried that I've been trying to figure things out... she replied that it has to come from the heart... not the mind.

So... that's where I was for the longest time. I let it flow by itself... and... eventually I found communities of otherkin... so... it was as if I was in a group then. I currently attend an otherkin forum, dragon forum, and a mailing list.

For the longest time, the story sort of ended there. I haven't had a dream, I've gone collecting art of dragons and other things (sans kitsune mostly... because everything else I really never thought to look at actively), no past memories... mostly just my thoughts would come to it, and sometimes I would get limbs and they have spread to "ears", a tail, and sometimes my limbs and "paws" would feel different. Mostly when laying down for bed...

The story doesn't end though...
Fairly recently... I met up with a person that claimed to be kitsune. That happened because he had some interests besides the forum he was on that happened to catch my eye... and his avatar was somewhat nifty, yes.
I managed to get in contact with him... and we talked. Eventually he encouraged me to RP with him. So... reluctantly I agreed. Reason being I just... generally avoided it.

We had a fairly good time... and... over time he sparked my creative drive so much I made a picture after I had made up a character besides the dragon... and... at the time it was simply a human turned kitsune...
I realize that such things could get one in trouble... one form or another... but... I would really like for the reader to continue... it gets... so... odd.
When trying to think of what the character looked like... well, I simply thought silver...
Bam... I started getting a rush in my head of a color scheme. The main fur, under fur... the tips of the limbs tails and ears... eye color. All of it...
I had thought of it in just a moment... unrelated to my original thought. At first I thought how convenient.

Later, I thought I would just... well, take a moment to read up on kitsune... for the RP and to get my curiosity answered.
I... hmm...
I realize that people can have certain traits to themselves and not actually be something else. It makes sense... but... I couldn't help but pause at the mention that a kitsune likes tofu.
I... only had tofu once... I loved it actually. And... tofu made from soy milk? I like soy milk as well... but normally only have regular milk.

So... I sort of wondered on that a bit... then realized about the coloration. I decided to look more... I found another page that... it seemed to be a collection of information on a certain kind of kitsune.
I read through it... excited like I was close to finding something of great importance... I read through it once... then went through again... that's when I found a few sections of high interest.

Traits... possession... and... well, Inari itself.
See, I'll go on possession first...
My personal view of death is that... I don't want heaven. Or hell. I also if given a choice might pass reincarnation. My desire would be to become a wandering spirit, or a family guardian... because I really do care for my family a lot.
This in mind... I read about what it said on possession of the dead... under certain circumstances it claimed a kitsune could take a dead corpse for it's own... but... there was another part to this that instead the human spirit I believe could actually become a kitsune at death... and it breaks the natural cycle, that of being born, living, dieing, reincarnating. That to me struck a very odd chord in me...

Traits caught my eye. I...
Let me just explain myself I guess here. I'm torn that my family follows the view that people should be out on their own unless married. I personally am torn because my perceived place is in the family, and I really do help out around with nearly everything. Mom leaves for emergency for two weeks? I took my sisters to school, making their lunches and such. I do chores... I do nearly everything a good child would do. But... I pay the rent and have to listen to them wanting me out of the house "for my own good". I am saddened that I haven't a parent (or step parent) that could take my side, see my view...
Also... as for morals. I don't hold a grudge... and I love to help people. Work to me is helping and for some reason I get paid. I was honestly confused when I first got a split in tips at a restaurant. Again... and again... I once heard someone tell me that chivalry lives for simply holding the door for them... I do that for nearly everyone if I notice them.
The traits there... the one that sticks out most among the others that I honestly do think I match on... but can't think of an example at the moment is that... family oriented. I am so deeply attached to my family...

But... what about Inari then? Well...
I have one other personal view that I don't have anything to do with god, gods... etc.
The reason is I don't feel an attachment... and nothing I perceived has gone to suggest that it's a wrong view... I have nothing to do with a god, as that god has nothing to do with me...
Perhaps sadly. See, the one sources I've seen always say there are servants of Inari, and then the malicious kitsune... I'm neither one it seems, as trusting as I am... no relation to a god...
A friend at hearing this... "misguided kitsune".

*sigh*
Trying the same strategy as the second time around with my dragon beliefs... I started talking to friends that are otherkin about this...
Ones that know me well have said I'm not one to BS... and... they have faith that I'll make a right decision on this. Kitsune or not.
One has said they really could see me as a kitsune...
Others encourage me to give it time... I know that all too well, I've said that to other people trying to find things.

But... here I am... I'm here, having found a site of kitsune, because kitsune are hard to come by in the forums I frequent.
I suppose I stand here and allow you to pass judgement... I apologize. I made a login before I thought to do this. If you do wish to have me here... I would gladly like to inquire about anything to learn more about myself... and other things in general. If not, I'll go quietly and figure things out on my own.